Monday, April 11, 2011

We Plan & God Laughs

This post really has nothing to do with fashion, photography or vintage love so if you only read my blog for that, you might be in for a long ramble of personal feelings. Just a warning, you can turn back now.

Something has been on my mind for a while. I try not to get too personal on my blog since it is part of my business and I'm trying to strike a balance between not sharing enough and over sharing. However, sometimes I let thoughts swirl around my head for too long and I need to get them written down. A journal is nice but it doesn't feel as cathartic and there is no chance of a response from someone so it might as well just be me still thinking. I am so scared of being a mother. The actual labor and delivery don't scare me anymore. I have faith that God will protect me and my son and that if anything happens I have very skilled doctors. I'm scared of actually raising a child. At times it hits me that at 19 years old I'm a wife and my baby is three weeks away. I've had a lot of life experiences, some really hard times and great recoveries. I do consider myself to be more mature that the average 19 year old but there were so many things I expected to do before bringing a baby into my life. I know that sounds so selfish and I'm really ashamed of myself for thinking it, but I do think about it. My Husband and I had so many adventures and trips planned. The ironic thing is they were mostly places we wanted to go on mission trips to, so it wouldn't have been all fun and games. We wanted to work with people and get our hands dirty. Although we still have strong pulls in our hearts for missions that's something that has to get put on hold with a baby, at least the missions in foreign countries. 

It isn't just the feeling of lost plans that scares me either, it's that I don't have any experience with babies. Sure I babysat a few of them but that was part time. I didn't have any younger siblings to take care of. I want so badly to do everything right and give him the best opportunity to turn out successful. These aren't things you can learn from books. Young kids reflect so much of what their parents teach them and how the parents raise them. I wonder if I'll look down one day and see the parts of myself that I hate so much reflected back from my son. I have all these questions in my head like, How do I protect him from all the bad things in the world without sheltering him and making him unable to function normally enough to see the good things?

I don't mean to sound so whiny, I don't regret for a single second getting pregnant. I know that God had plans for my family and I and that this is the path we're supposed to be on right now. If I didn't have my faith in God I wouldn't have lasted long enough to get to this point in my life.  However, I think I really would be crazy if I didn't think about all of these things. I know that I'll just take things as they come, on step at a time. My world is about to change completely and it'll never be the same. While it's exciting, it's also terrifying.


  1. Just know that if I can raise a baby at 20, 2 at 21 and 3 at 22..well you can do it. You have your head on your shoulders way better than I did. You will be an amazing mother! I do not think that you sound whiny. You sound normal. Being a parent is a scary, wonderful and important job. If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to get ahold of me.

  2. Wow. I had no idea you were only 19. That's really cool :) And you'll be totally fine. Jesus will protect you through everything. Just remember that, no matter what happens, be it good or bad, it was totally His plan, and he has the power and the grace to get you through anything. And if God still wants you to go on mission trips, He will provide a way! Even though it will be harder, and the thought of taking a wee one to a foreign country is a bit scary, just keep listening to what God has to say to you, and everything will work out just like he has planned :)
    I will be praying for you!

  3. Just to let you know that most first time mothers are afraid of the same things. I had just turned 20 when I found out I was pregnant with Kendra and Jason and I had only been married for 6 months. I felt the same way you do now. I had so many things planned for me and Jason to do before we had kids. God always a way of surprising you with what he has planned for your life. I have to admit I get jealous sometimes of couples who still do not have children, because they can do a lot of stuff that we can not. The truth is I would not change anything about my life. I know now that God made me to be a mother and I love it with all my heart. To be able to raise a child and teach them right form wrong and about God, it is an amazing experience to watch them grow and learn. Don't worry about anything just take it one day at a time. When you do not know what to do there are always people around you who can help you. You learn as you go. Just stay connected to the people around you because that was a big help after I had Kendra, the adult enteraction and conversation. God never gives you more then you can handle!! If you ever need anything just let me know, I am always here for you!


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