This post really has nothing to do with fashion, photography or vintage love so if you only read my blog for that, you might be in for a long ramble of personal feelings. Just a warning, you can turn back now.
Something has been on my mind for a while. I try not to get too personal on my blog since it is part of my business and I'm trying to strike a balance between not sharing enough and over sharing. However, sometimes I let thoughts swirl around my head for too long and I need to get them written down. A journal is nice but it doesn't feel as cathartic and there is no chance of a response from someone so it might as well just be me still thinking. I am so scared of being a mother. The actual labor and delivery don't scare me anymore. I have faith that God will protect me and my son and that if anything happens I have very skilled doctors. I'm scared of actually raising a child. At times it hits me that at 19 years old I'm a wife and my baby is three weeks away. I've had a lot of life experiences, some really hard times and great recoveries. I do consider myself to be more mature that the average 19 year old but there were so many things I expected to do before bringing a baby into my life. I know that sounds so selfish and I'm really ashamed of myself for thinking it, but I do think about it. My Husband and I had so many adventures and trips planned. The ironic thing is they were mostly places we wanted to go on mission trips to, so it wouldn't have been all fun and games. We wanted to work with people and get our hands dirty. Although we still have strong pulls in our hearts for missions that's something that has to get put on hold with a baby, at least the missions in foreign countries.
It isn't just the feeling of lost plans that scares me either, it's that I don't have any experience with babies. Sure I babysat a few of them but that was part time. I didn't have any younger siblings to take care of. I want so badly to do everything right and give him the best opportunity to turn out successful. These aren't things you can learn from books. Young kids reflect so much of what their parents teach them and how the parents raise them. I wonder if I'll look down one day and see the parts of myself that I hate so much reflected back from my son. I have all these questions in my head like, How do I protect him from all the bad things in the world without sheltering him and making him unable to function normally enough to see the good things?
I don't mean to sound so whiny, I don't regret for a single second getting pregnant. I know that God had plans for my family and I and that this is the path we're supposed to be on right now. If I didn't have my faith in God I wouldn't have lasted long enough to get to this point in my life. However, I think I really would be crazy if I didn't think about all of these things. I know that I'll just take things as they come, on step at a time. My world is about to change completely and it'll never be the same. While it's exciting, it's also terrifying.